pain_train | SANCTUM INBOX

Nah. I'm basically useless right now and people still keep me around I think you'll be fine.

...okay that made me twitch but it's not your fault. I got a thing about people saying they're 'useful' or 'useless'. Kind of a thing I'm dealing with. Trying to deal with.

But I'd like to submit that you're not useless, you're an artist. And for purely selfish reasons you kinda make my best friend stupidly happy so. That's a thing.

Edited 2014-12-10 06:47 (UTC)

That's really nice of you but I'm not an artist. It's just a hobby.

[And she hasn't felt like painting or drawing since... Yeah.]

North says we're partners. Not sure how that's supposed to work.

[Considering by her understanding, partnership is a thing equals do and... She has nothing to offer. She can't keep up with him physically now and all she does at the moment is cry and feel shitty and she can't seem to stop.]

An awesome hobby. You means things and they make people feel things. Good things. Isn't that what art is about? I napped through that class, I don't remember.

Partners means watching out for each other. On and off the field. Someone needs to remind him he's isn't, in fact everyone's mom. And that he's in his thirties.

Edited 2014-12-10 18:39 (UTC)

You also kind of need to have technique and something that needs to be said. Everyone keeps bringing that up. The art thing. Is it because that's the only thing I ever did that wasn't military? It just feels weird.

Don't really have anything in me worthwhile to paint right now anyway.

I don't know York considering how much of a burden I'm being too North right now I don't think I'm helping much with the not being everyone's mom thing.

... Does he not act his age or something? I haven't noticed anything weird. Seems like a normal lieutenant to me.

It's the one thing we know about. Other than truly epic bar fighting skills and aim. Are there throwing sports under the dome? Apparently you throw kind real well.

Has he started rolling his eyes and taking you to quit it yet? That's when he's fed up and considering you a burden. I get that a lot from him. Pretty sure you won't.

He acts like he's thirty years older, except around you.

If I can manage to throw things I should be able to fight just fine so I'd rather go back to my life though.

Is he being mean to you? That's not okay. Maybe I should tell him to make you a pie too.

He did tell me I was being a quitter at one point but I can't really complain about it because I guess he was right after what Malcolm told me.

He does? Well I guess if he acts weird around me then I wouldn't know it was weird because it would seem normal right. Are you sure? Is he not that nice to everyone?

[Blowing her mind there, man.]

Not mean, just used to my particular brand of Bullshit. He's nice to everyone, really, it's just a different flavor of nice.

...What did Malcolm tell you?

Different flavors of nice? How does that even work.

And you didn't seem too bullshit. Other than the thing where you and North weren't saying what you meant. I hate it when people do that.

He told me not to give up and not to stop fighting. And I should keep my name and fight for that too and own it. And at least I should be helping with training even if I can't do active duty Abby more. He agrees with me that this discharge is bullshit. And then he made me pancakes. Malcolm's really awesome.

He doesn't make just anyone pie, man. Also you don't know me that well, give it time.

Well that's. Mal. For you.

Oh. Wow.

I think you're fine. But if you know you have some kind of problem then why don't you fix it?

He got really mad about it. He's the first person that's gotten mad other than Felix, and Felix wasn't nearly that mad. Everyone else is just sorry.

I'm tired of sorry already. Sorry doesn't fix anything.

Technically, I am. Dr. Ramirez is pretty awesome and if like to think I'm making progress.

What did getting mad do for you, though? Sure it's nice but mad is mad is irrational. If there's an architect to be made wouldn't the dude in charge be more likely to listen if he weren't mad?

I don't know who that is.

It made me feel like someone actually gives a shit about what I want for my own life, for one, instead of telling me I should do whatever they think is best for me. And I'm kind of tired of doing what everyone else thinks is best for me because look where it's gotten me so far. And now everyone thinks what's best for me is to accept that I'm crippled and useless and stop serving like the only years of my life I can even remember don't mean anything.

They got rid of me because I'm worthless and broken. It doesn't matter if I protest it nicely or if I'm angry. I'm out because they wanted to get rid of me and I can't change that and Whiskey just says I'm a fucking head case so it doesn't matter anyway. Because if you're crazy no matter how you say you aren't crazy people will always still believe that you're just crazy. Talking isn't going to do jack shit and I don't know if I even want to talk to them any more because I don't really need to hear the list of things the nameless crazy lady can't do all over again. The only reason I even want to go back at this point is for my platoon because they are good guys and it's not their fault I can't hack it. So maybe I'll try to go private security instead I don't know.

But yeah. I know it's a hopeless fight. And I know I'm going to lose because I'm broken and useless. But at least it's a fight. You said I'm still a soldier. Well soldiers fight and soldiers serve and they don't give up just because things look hopeless.

Therapist. Not connected to bifrons and nothing like how I thought a therapist would be.

Soldiers also take backup. So. You need a hand with this, I got your back. Dunno what I can Dig up, but I'll dig.

Well that's god as long as they are helping.

Okay.

I mean, I've had to admit to myself that I have to at least wait until I can go up and down the fucking stairs okay.

Pff, stairs are for the weak and those that lack conviction.

Easy to say when they're not standing between you and the room you want to get to in someone's house.

That's what grapple lines are for. Tarzan your way over.

Next time. And I'll tell North it was your idea if he gets mad about the ceiling getting messed up.

He won't get mad. He'll just call new by my first name all disappointed dad for being a bad influence.

Will he cross his arms too?

Oh yeah. And SIGH.

Bet it's cute when he's not doing it at me.

It's kind of adorable. And then when it's your turn you kinda wanna roll over and show your belly just so he'll STOP.

I just kind of threw up on a bush. Twice. Or maybe I did that before he did the arms crossed thing. I don't really remember.

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